Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Two words, two different acts

Forgiveness and reconciliation are usually treated as two words for the same thing. Almost every muddled answer on this topic starts there. ⭐ They differ in how many people they take. FORGIVENESS IS SOMETHING ONE PERSON CAN DO ALONE. It means giving up your claim to get your own back, and you can do it about somebody who never apologised, never changed, and whom you will never see again. RECONCILIATION TAKES TWO. It means a relationship rebuilt, and no amount of goodwill on one side can rebuild something the other side will not come back to. ⚠️ So the question to ask of anything in this topic is simply: does this take one person or two? And notice what follows immediately. Somebody can forgive and still not want the relationship back, without any contradiction at all.

What each act needs

Set the two side by side and the differences stop being a matter of shades of meaning. Both are valued in Christianity and in Islam, and both are discussed in this part of the course.

Order the road back

Put the stages of a full reconciliation in the order they usually come.

• Something is done that damages the relationship
• The person responsible acknowledges what they did
• The person wronged gives up the claim to retaliate
• Something changes so that the same harm is not simply repeated
• The relationship is taken up again, on new terms

Forgiving somebody who has not apologised

Can a person forgive somebody who has never apologised and shows no sign of regret? How would a careful answer put it?

• Yes, because forgiveness is something the wronged person does, and it does not need the other person to take part; reconciliation is what would need them
• No, because forgiveness can only happen once an apology has been given
• Yes, and they are obliged to do it whether they feel able to or not
• No, because forgiving somebody who has not changed achieves nothing at all

Words for this topic

Five terms, each defined so that you can use it precisely rather than as a synonym for the others.

Find the sentence that separates them

A student writes about forgiveness. Select the ONE sentence that keeps forgiveness and reconciliation properly apart.

• Christians and Muslims both place a high value on forgiveness.
• Forgiving somebody means everything can go back to how it was before.
• Somebody can give up the wish to get their own back while still deciding that the relationship should not continue, because rebuilding it would need the other person to take part and to change.
• It is always better to forgive than not to forgive.
• Forgiveness is a difficult thing to do.

Which of these take two people

Three of these five cannot be done by one person alone. Choose the three.

• Taking up a friendship again after a serious falling out
• An apology being offered and accepted
• A meeting in which those affected by a wrong agree together what would repair it
• Deciding to stop wishing harm on somebody
• Praying for somebody who caused harm

One question, and a warning

Questions here often ask whether somebody should forgive, or whether forgiveness means everything goes back to normal. ⭐ Ask whether what is being described takes one person or two. ⚠️ And be careful with the word should. Some hold that a believer is called to forgive. Others hold that forgiveness cannot be demanded of somebody who has been hurt, and that pressing them to forgive can be a second injury. An answer that gives both, and says who holds each, is stronger than one that issues an instruction. Justice is a separate matter again. Choosing not to retaliate is not the same as saying nothing is owed.

Match the situation to what it shows

The debt and the partnership

Leave the topic aside. Two people once ran a small business together, and one of them took money that was not theirs. The business closed. Years later the one who lost out does two quite separate things, and it is worth watching them apart. ⭐ The first: they decide to stop pursuing the money. They tear up the note they had kept. They stop rehearsing the argument in the car. Nobody is told, and the other person has no idea. That was finished entirely inside one person. ⭐ The second would be starting the business again together. And that one cannot be done alone, no matter how willing they are. The other person would have to want it, turn up, and do something differently this time. ⚠️ Notice too what the first act did NOT do. It did not decide that taking the money was fine, and it did not mean that nothing was owed. It meant one person stopped carrying the pursuit of it. ⭐⭐ Two acts, one of which needs a second person and one of which does not. Hold them apart and the rest of this module follows.

Complete the forgiveness facts

Giving up the claim to retaliate against somebody who has done wrong is called _____, and one person can do it _____. Restoring the relationship itself is called _____, and it requires both parties to take part. What the wrongdoer brings is _____, meaning acknowledging the wrong and turning away from it. Choosing not to retaliate does not cancel _____, which is a separate question about what is owed and what is put right, and an approach that brings those affected together by agreement to decide what would repair a wrong is called a _____ approach.

Build the careful sentence

Complete a sentence about somebody who has forgiven a person they do not wish to see again.

Forgiveness quick-fire

Five quick decisions. Three lives.

Write about a hard case carefully

A question asks whether religious believers should always forgive. Work through how to answer it.

• How should you open?
• The question says always. What must the answer contain?
• You need a conclusion. What earns the marks?

Explain the difference and use it

Some people say that forgiving somebody means the relationship should go back to how it was. Evaluate that view, using religious teaching about forgiveness and reconciliation in your answer.

• Explain what forgiveness is and how many people it takes
• Explain what reconciliation is and what it additionally requires
• Explain why somebody might forgive without the relationship being restored
• Say what religious believers hold about forgiveness, attributing views rather than stating one as the position
• Reach a judgement and support it, remembering that justice is a separate question and that no position is being marked as the right one